Oh, I’m Still Alive???

Best fight I ever had was in Delaware in January of 2015. I lost that night, but it’s probably the most heart and determination I’ve shown in a fight. I got knocked down and took a massive amount of damage in the middle of the first round, but came back and started dominating over the next two rounds. I got dropped again at the end of the third round, and the ref stopped the fight for my safety. Obviously I knew I had been involved in a crazy fight that night, but what I didn’t know was that the real fight was about to take place over the next two years.

This next part I’ve only ever talked about with one person, a coach and friend of mine. He’s the only one I felt I could have talked to about what was going on without trying to tell me what he thought I should do, and I really just needed someone to talk to about it at the time. I’m not one to self diagnose, as doctors spend a lot of time learning how to do that I haven’t spent one second on learning about it, but I would say I probably suffered some form of PTSD, based off the symptoms I looked up like every other person does. It was a little weird to me because the symptoms I started having didn’t really pop up until months after that fight. I would also say it’s not scary so much as just weird to think about what that was like. I woke up a lot of days kind of not knowing who I really was. I would go through periods of time that lasted weeks where I literally thought I was going to die every day. Not that I would harm myself, but just that I was going stop existing at any moment. That of course led to a lot of moments of depression, but I just remember that really being the predominant thought in my mind at the time which probably led to that too. It’s hard to be happy and motivated when you think that’s going to happen every day. I spent most of my time wondering what was even the point of continuing to push on, as in why keep trying to push for my goals when I can just settle on getting by. That’s really the only concerning thought that stuck out to me, because I’ve never been that way. I was always the positive thinker out of all the people I knew, but whatever was going on inside my head was making me have the opposite mindset at the time. I’m just glad that I got past that and remembered who I was before that all happened.

I think most people would look back on that time and think it was crazy, or scary. I wouldn’t say I’m glad it happened, but it did make me sit back and analyze a lot of different aspects of my life. It made me look at my own actions and ask if I was holding myself up to my own standards. I think the biggest thing I took away from it is that life is really all about choice. I used to think that what happens in life shapes who we are, but it’s about what we choose. I could let the bad things that have happened shape me in a negative way, but I’d rather be the person I was before anything bad happened to me. I could hold things against people for the rest of the time we’re here, but I’d rather remember the good times I’ve spent with them. I also realize that I had a part to play in things that happened just as much as they did. People don’t generally just do things for the sake of doing them, and when I look at the situation from the outside I can see how my actions have led to the good and bad situations in my life. I used to worry about having everybody love me, rather than worry about the right people loving me. I used to think other peoples’ opinions mattered when it came to my personal life, but the only ones that do are the people who will be there for me when I’m old and withered. I used to want everybody to cheer me on and have my back, but now I only want the people that want to be there to do that and really see me accomplish my goals. A lot of people these days are quick to jump on a bandwagon when things are going good, but few people will be there to lift you up when you really need it. A lot of people might be happy about my success, but does it really matter if they weren’t there for the struggle? Those are the people that I want around me. And that leads to the biggest choice of them all, if I’m unhappy with a situation it’s totally up to me to change it. I get to choose what I get to do with my life. I get to choose who I want to be with. I get to choose who the friends I surround myself with. After spending two years dreading every day, I refuse to choose anything but the best for myself.

I’ve had a lot of people notice the changes I’ve made, and ask me about what has made me make them recently. This blog is the best way I can think of to sum it up. Not really something that I could explain to people, I think lol.

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About johnkermon

Just a dude pretending to be a dude, pretending to be another dude.
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