Losing. I fucking hate it. I know people will think that means I have a bad attitude, or poor sportsmanship, but I don’t think it’s that bad. I still stand in there while the other guys gets his hand raised. I still shake the other guy’s hand. I’m just really passionate about what I’m doing.
I honestly can’t even think of a way to put it for people to understand. Each fight is a build up of years’ worth of work, not just weeks. When you’ve been working that hard and that long, you want a certain result. It always feels disappointing when you don’t get the result you want after busting your ass for it, in life in general. It can be hard to deal with, but like most things in life you get over it and move on.
It’s also partially self mental torture. I’ve played the situation over in my mind and what I could have done differently about a million times. The problem with that is that I can’t go back and change the past. It can also be hard to move past it at first, depending on the level of caring. I’ve found myself asking myself if I’m good enough before. What the point of doing this stuff is. Plenty of other questions about myself, but at the end of the day I’ve also never found myself wanting to quit.
The worst part though is the different way people treat you between when you win and lose. People are always happy for you when you win, that part’s easy. You normally have 3 types of people when you lose though. The ones who can empathize, the ones who feel bad for you but don’t really know how to put it, and the people who let you know they really couldn’t care less at all. Truth be told, I only really can talk about these kinds of things with the people who can empathize at first. I still appreciate people asking how it went, and asking me how I felt about it and after it, but it can be hard to talk about right away.
The people who let you know they don’t care are the worst though, because a lot of times it’s from people who made it seem like they did. I know that’s a feeling we can all relate to. I think in this day and age, most people forget that just because something isn’t important to them doesn’t mean it’s not important to somebody else. I know I’ve certainly made that mistake before. Most of the time it comes in the form of not asking me anything about it the next few times I see them afterwards. The worst thing people do is tell me to more or less just get over it, though. They might as well say that they don’t care, and they don’t think I should either. I’d honestly rather just have them spit in my face, that way I’d have what most people consider a legit reason to be mad at them. I’m used to it to the point of understanding where I stand with them now, and to not care about what they have going on either. Which can be tough because it’s normally people that I do care about.
On second thought, maybe it’s not the actual losing that I hate….